How to control your ego, The ego is the part of our psyche that develops our sense of self-importance. While having a healthy ego is essential for confidence and self-esteem, an unchecked ego can lead to arrogance, defensiveness, and conflict in relationships. Learning to recognize and control ego-driven behaviors is critical for personal growth, professional success, and maintaining healthy relationships. This comprehensive guide will provide insights and practical strategies to help you keep your ego in check.
How to control your ego : 10 Simple Ways to Control Your Ego and Achieve Your Goals
Understanding the Ego
The ego is the part of our consciousness that develops our identity and self-image. A certain amount of ego is necessary and healthy – it allows us to have an intact sense of self and feel confident in our abilities. However, problems arise when the ego becomes overinflated or inaccurate in its self-perceptions.
Some key things to understand about the functioning of the ego:
- The ego strives to maintain a positive self-image through various defense mechanisms designed to protect self-esteem.
- The ego tends to take credit for successes and deflect blame for failures to protect self-image.
- The ego engages in comparisons against others to evaluate self-worth.
- The ego assumes that one’s own needs, desires, and perspectives are most important.
- A strongly identified ego clings to a static self-image and resists change or growth.
While the ego has important adaptive functions, an unchecked ego that distorts reality and acts solely in self-interest can undermine relationships and impede personal evolution. Learning to recognize ego-driven behaviors is the first step in gaining control over them.
Recognizing Ego-Driven Behaviors
Some common attitudes and behaviors driven by the ego include:
Defensiveness
When the ego feels threatened, it immediately jumps on the defensive. Signs of defensiveness include:
- Becoming dismissive or critical when receiving feedback
- Refusing to admit mistakes or acknowledge personal shortcomings
- Blaming others for negative outcomes instead of taking personal responsibility
- Making excuses to justify inappropriate behavior
- Redirecting focus during conflict conversations
Arrogance
An inflated ego can lead to arrogance and feelings of superiority over others:
- Expressing opinions in a condescending, lecturing manner
- Talking excessively about one’s own accomplishments
- Taking credit for others’ contributions and team efforts
- Seeking constant praise and validation
- Acting like rules don’t apply to oneself
Self-Centeredness
How to control your ego, The ego naturally puts one’s own needs first, but excessive self-focus can be harmful:
- Only seeing situations from one’s own perspective
- Turning every conversation to be about oneself
- Having little interest in learning about others
- Feeling constantly deserving of rewards and recognition
- Expecting special treatment and exceptions
Hyper-Competitiveness
How to control your ego, The ego thrives on competition as a way to prove superiority:
- Needing to win or be “right” about everything
- Taking excessive pleasure in the failures of others
- Being obsessed with status and rankings
- Showing off achievements and material possessions
- Belittling competitors and asserting dominance
Sensitivity to Criticism
How to control your ego, The ego ties self-worth to external approval, so it strongly rejects criticism:
- Refusing to listen to negative feedback from others
- Making judgments about critics’ motivations or character
- Holding grudges against those who provide criticism
- Lashing out when flaws are pointed out
- Feeling crushed by setbacks or disapproval
Lack of Gratitude
How to control your ego, A self-focused ego fails to appreciate what it has:
- Taking good fortune for granted rather than being grateful
- Focusing on what one feels entitled to rather than appreciating blessings
- Always looking at what others have rather than valuing one’s own life
- Overemphasizing personal contribution over help from others
- Expressing gratitude superficially, not authentically
How to control your ego, If you notice some of these behaviors in yourself, it’s important not to beat yourself up. The first step is simply increasing awareness when the ego is acting out of self-interest rather than reality. With consistent effort, it’s possible to gain control over the ego’s harmful manifestations while still maintaining a healthy sense of self-confidence.
The Impact of Ego
How to control your ego, “Ego is the anesthesia that deadens the pain of stupidity.” – Rick Pitino
When left unchecked, the ego can wreak havoc on relationships, undermine success, and prevent personal growth. Understanding the real impact of ego-driven behaviors makes it easier to motivate change.
Damaged Relationships
How to control your ego, The ego puts one’s own needs first, which can sabotage relationships:
- Lack of empathy – The inability to consider others’ perspectives strains connections with friends and family.
- Selfishness – Making decisions that serve the ego rather than the greater good deteriorates trust in relationships.
- Alienation – Egotistical people often end up surrounded only by sycophants rather than true supporters.
- Resentment – Ego-driven behaviors like arrogance and superiority ultimately breed resentment in colleagues, teammates, and peers.
- Loneliness – The ego’s sense of self-sufficiency obscures our fundamental need for connection with others.
- Conflict – The ego’s defensiveness makes it difficult to resolve disagreement and deep-seated relationship conflicts.
Lost Opportunities
How to control your ego, The ego cost us opportunities by distorting reality and promoting self-interest:
- Overconfidence prevents an accurate assessment of personal abilities.
- Self-absorption clouds judgment and interferes with making wise choices.
- Resistance to criticism blocks pathways for growth and improvement.
- Credit-taking and domination undermine motivation in team members.
- Lack of trust resulting from ego behaviors destroys cooperation and support.
- Arrogance and closed-mindedness lead to missed lessons and insights.
Inner Turmoil
How to control your ego, Ego creates a false sense of self, leading to inner discontent:
- The higher the ego is built up, the farther there is to fall.
- Ego hides fundamental insecurities and leaves one emotionally vulnerable.
- Judging self-worth by external markers like status breeds feelings of inadequacy.
- The ego ties up mental energy maintaining inflated self-perceptions.
- Defensiveness in the face of criticism causes painful cognitive dissonance.
- The ego blocks out emotions that contradict the desired self-image.
- When the ego can’t get what it wants, the result is often anxiety or depression.
Learning to control the ego alleviates much of the damage it can cause to relationships and well-being. The more humble and accurate our self-perception, the more we can open ourselves to personal growth and mutually-fulfilling connections.
Benefits of Humility
“Humility is not thinking less of yourself, it’s thinking of yourself less.” – C.S. Lewis
While the ego is focused entirely on itself, humility involves looking beyond one’s own interests and focusing on others. Cultivating humility counteracts many negative consequences of the ego.
Improved Learning
How to control your ego, A humble attitude facilitates learning. Those with humility are better able to:
- Admit when they lack knowledge in an area
- Recognize their mistakes and shortcomings
- Listen and remain open to feedback and criticism
- Acknowledge others’ expertise and learn from them
- Question their assumptions and change their minds
- Take on new perspectives to gain wisdom
Frees Mental Energy
The ego occupies your mind with endless attempts to maintain inflated self-perceptions. Humility frees up mental energy that can be channeled into more meaningful pursuits.
Bolsters Relationships
Humility allows us to connect with others on a real level. Humble people have an easier time:
- Apologizing and resolving conflicts in relationships
- Expressing gratitude and giving credit to others
- Gaining trust through honesty and vulnerability
- Asking for and providing help
- Building intimacy through authenticity
Enhances Leadership
Humble leaders who can admit uncertainty and acknowledge team contributions are more effective. Humility improves leaders’ ability to:
- Inspire trust and confidence in colleagues
- Provide mentorship and support to others
- Empower others to develop and share ideas
- Forge consensus and alignment within teams
- Take in feedback to bolster their own growth
- Tackle challenges with realistic assessments of risk
Increases Self-Awareness
Whereas the ego distorts reality about ourselves, humility helps us see ourselves clearly. This self-awareness leads to:
- Recognition of personal strengths and weaknesses
- Increased restraint over impulsive behavior
- Better understanding of what drives our thoughts and actions
- Insight into how past experiences shape perceptions
- Awareness of how we impact others
Cultivating humility takes intention and practice. But its benefits make the effort more than worthwhile.
The Importance of Self-Awareness
“Self-awareness is the ability to take an honest look at your life without any attachment to how things ‘should’ be.” – Debbie Ford
Gaining control over the ego begins with increasing self-awareness. Unless we can recognize when ego is in control, it will continue to operate unchecked.
Signs that ego might be running the show include:
- Feeling the need to dominate conversations
- Judging or looking down on others
- Making decisions without consulting others they’ll affect
- Rejecting criticism defensively
- Taking credit for successes disproportionately
- Having exaggerated positive self-perceptions
- Being unable to admit uncertainty or mistakes
- Blaming external factors for failures or shortcomings
1. How to control your ego : Pay Attention to Physical Cues
Increased self-awareness involves tuning into the physical signs of ego:
- Tension building in interactions as ego feels threatened
- Shortness of breath or increased heart rate when receiving criticism
- Feeling the need to be center of attention in groups
- Heat behind the eyes or flushing when angry or defensive
- Physical agitation when things don’t go the ego’s way
2. How to control your ego : Identify Emotional Triggers
The ego is activated by specific emotional triggers like:
- Perceived slights to status or dignity
- Lack of validation or acknowledgment
- Competition with perceived rivals
- Fear of failure or shame
- Difficulty coping with change or uncertainty
- Boredom and need for stimulation/drama
Noticing these triggers as they occur prevents knee-jerk ego reactions.
3. How to control your ego : Examine Thought Patterns
Ego-based thoughts include:
- Making comparisons to others regarding success, intelligence, popularity, etc.
- Assuming one is always right about things
- Imagining exaggerated future accomplishments or recognition
- Dwelling on past successes versus failures
- Blaming others when things go wrong
- Having an overly simplistic view of oneself
4. How to control your ego : Cultivate Curiosity
Adopting an attitude of curiosity about yourself and your behaviors creates distance from the ego. Ask yourself:
- What is motivating me in this situation?
- Why do I feel compelled to act or feel this way?
- What insecurities or anxieties underlie my current emotional state?
- How did my past shape my perspectives and needs?
- What do my reactions and behaviors say about me?
- How might this situation look from another’s perspective?
Increasing self-awareness requires dropping the ego’s tendency to identify with thoughts and feelings. It allows us to observe ourselves with detachment and discernment.
Ego and Success
“Success is not the key to happiness. Happiness is the key to success. If you love what you are doing, you will be successful.” – Albert Schweitzer
Many assume that ego drives achievement and success. But wisdom shows that ego more often sabotages success by distorting reality. Letting go of ego-driven notions of success is key to actualizing one’s potential.
The Ego’s Definition of Success
The ego tends to define success in terms of:
- Accumulating wealth, status, and material possessions
- Gaining recognition, praise, and validation from others
- Being superior and winning against competitors
- Quickly climbing the career ladder
- Having perfect control over one’s life at all times
But pursuing ego-based success often leads to emptiness and frustration.
Ego Derails Success
How to control your ego, Here’s how the unchecked ego undermines success:
- Arrogance – Overconfidence leads to reckless decisions and costly mistakes.
- Isolation – The ego pushes away those who could support success.
- Need for Control – The inability to collaborate limits creativity and problem-solving.
- Fear of Failure – Protecting self-image prevents the risk-taking necessary for growth.
- Reactive Decisions – Ego takes failures personally rather than learning from them.
- Lack of Balance – Obsession with image and status results in poor self-care.
- No True Satisfaction – External markers of success never ultimately satisfy.
Redefining Success
How to control your ego, Taming the ego allows us to redefine success in more meaningful ways:
- Making steady progress toward self-improvement
- Developing mastery over valued skills
- Maintaining work-life balance and self-care
- Having deep connections with others
- Contributing value to the world
- Learning and growing continuously
- Having integrity and being true to values
- Feeling purpose and fulfillment in one’s work
- Handling both success and failure with equanimity
Rather than chasing ego gratification, fulfilling success stems from developing one’s highest potential.
Real-World Examples
How to control your ego, History offers many examples of ego undermining success:
- Howard Hughes – The famously wealthy entrepreneur and aviator grew increasingly isolated and mentally unstable trying to protect his reputation.
- Kanye West – The musician’s ego has led to public outbursts and alienated fans despite his talent.
- Elizabeth Holmes – The founder of Theranos deceived investors to become a billionaire by age 30 before her fraud was exposed.
- Lance Armstrong – The champion cyclist’s ego fueled his dramatic fall after being stripped of titles due to doping.
True success requires taming the ego’s unhealthy drives for power, recognition, and control. The more we can derive satisfaction from internal sources, the less we depend on fickle external markers of achievement.
1. How to control your ego : Effective Self-Reflection
“Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom.” – Aristotle
Self-reflection allows us to monitor and adjust behaviors driven by the unchecked ego. Here are techniques to enhance self-reflection:
2. How to control your ego : Mindfulness Meditation
Mindfulness meditation helps observe your thoughts and ego objectively. Through practice you can notice when ego is active without getting wrapped up in its drama.
3. How to control your ego : Journaling
Writing out your current thoughts and feelings can bring clarity. Over time, journaling reveals patterns of ego-based thinking and triggers.
4. How to control your ego : Pause Before Reacting
When you feel the ego acting out, pause before responding. In those moments, ask “Is my ego in control right now?” to avoid defensive reactions.
5. How to control your ego : Review Your Day
Take 10 minutes each evening to reflect on situations that provoked ego responses. Consider what insecurities or desires drove those reactions.
6. How to control your ego : Seek Input From Others
Trusted friends and mentors can provide feedback when your ego is clouding your actions. Input from others gives invaluable perspective.
7. How to control your ego : Imagine Your Best Self
Envision your values and character at their best, without ego distortions. Compare yourself to this ‘best self’ standard when making decisions.
8. How to control your ego : Consider Your Legacy
Reflect on how you want to be remembered after you’re gone. Are current ego-driven choices aligning with your long-term legacy?
9. How to control your ego : Learn From Role Models
Study inspiring people who embody self-control and humility. How would a role model handle situations that trigger your ego?
10. How to control your ego : Temper Self-Criticism
Beating yourself up for ego-based behavior feeds the ego’s needs. Focus on understanding the roots of the ego with compassion.
Regular self-examination increases awareness of the ego’s influence. It empowers you to catch ego in action and consciously respond from your highest values.
Empathy and Perspective-Taking
“When dealing with people, remember you are not dealing with creatures of logic, but with creatures of emotion.” – Dale Carnegie
One of the ego’s biggest pitfalls is the inability to empathize and take others’ perspectives. Nurturing these skills curbs defensive ego reactions.
Learn the Skill of Empathy
How to control your ego, Many lack basic empathy skills. Ways to increase empathy include:
- Active listening – Give your full attention and reflect back the other’s emotions. Don’t interrupt.
- Suspend judgment – Avoid knee-jerk judgments about others’ choices and behaviors.
- Get curious – Ask questions to understand how others experience situations.
- Withhold advice – Resist the temptation to problem-solve and let others work through issues.
- Validate feelings – Simply say “That sounds really difficult” to show you relate to their emotions.
Every Conflict Has Two Stories
During confrontations, the ego usually believes its version of events. But make an effort to see the other side:
- Ask clarifying questions – “What was your experience in this situation?”
- Share your own perspective – “This is what I observed on my end.”
- Look for misunderstandings – Many conflicts arise from miscommunication or misaligned expectations.
- Find points of agreement – “I think we agree that…”
- Apologize for any harm caused – Even if accidental, be willing to acknowledge hurt feelings.
Catch Yourself in Biases
The ego maintains prejudices and assumptions that distort perspectives:
- Do you judge certain types of people harshly?
- Do you assign motivations according to stereotypes?
- Do you give significant weight to first impressions?
- Do you make assumptions based on outward appearances?
Checking automatic biases improves understanding.
The Platinum Rule
Treating others as you would want to be treated may not work – people have unique needs. The platinum rule says you should treat others as they would want to be treated. This requires empathy and walking in their shoes.
Developing true empathy transforms not only conflict resolution but also daily interactions. It allows you to see beyond the ego’s narrow focus and connect with others authentically.
Ego in Leadership
“Have the humility to realize that being a leader requires being a servant.” – Mike Krzyzewski
Leadership often attracts people with big egos who crave status and control. But the most effective leaders tame their ego in service of the greater good.
The Pitfalls of Ego-Driven Leadership
Egotistical leaders can inflict tremendous damage:
- They surround themselves with sycophants rather than truth-tellers.
- Their need for credit undermines morale and motivation in the organization.
- Quick to attack dissent, they create a culture of fear and staleness.
- Their arrogance leads to disastrous decisions impervious to feedback.
- They can’t admit uncertainty, paralyzing innovation and learning.
The Benefits of Humble Leadership
How to control your ego, Humble leaders create thriving organizations:
- They inspire trust and commitment from colleagues.
- They focus on collective mission rather than self-glorification.
- They credit wins to the organization and take responsibility for failures.
- They listen and consider input from all levels.
- They coach others towards growth and delegate effectively.
- They role model accountability, integrity, and ethics.
Ways Leaders Can Cultivate Humility
- Adopt a beginner’s mindset – question assumptions and be willing to learn.
- Actively seek critical feedback even if it’s difficult to hear.
- Admit mistakes readily and share lessons learned with the team.
- Spotlight and praise contributions from each team member.
- Express gratitude daily to colleagues.
- Listen first, talk second.
- Share decision making and governance with others.
- Promote an environment of psychological safety where people can challenge views.
- Maintain contact with frontline work and avoid ivory tower isolation.
Great leadership requires keeping ego in check for the greater good of the organization and its people. Servant leadership focused on elevating others unleashes exponentially more power than an ego-centered approach.
Practical Strategies for Controlling Ego
“It is easier to love humanity than to love your neighbor.” – Eric Hoffer
Here are actionable strategies and exercises for keeping daily ego impulses in check:
1. How to control your ego : Catch Yourself When Egoistic
Set a phone reminder several times during your day with the question “Is my ego running the show?” Pause to evaluate your current emotional state and behaviors when it goes off.
2. How to control your ego : Adopt a Beginner’s Mindset
Approach unfamiliar people and situations with openness and curiosity rather than assumptions. Let go of preconceived notions that your perspective is right.
3. How to control your ego : Practice Active Listening
Give your full attention when others speak instead of thinking about your own response. Reflect back what you hear and summarize their perspective.
4. How to control your ego : Consciously Compliment Others
Make an effort to offer sincere praise and positive feedback to others. Don’t steal the spotlight by following up with boastful stories about yourself.
5. How to control your ego : Change Your Social Media Habits
Avoid constantly posting only flattering self-reflections. Share useful information and uplifting messages from others instead.
6. How to control your ego : Cultivate Non-Comparative Self-Esteem
Avoid judging your worth based on social comparisons or markers of status. Focus on improving yourself rather than trying to be superior.
7. How to control your ego : Do Volunteer Work
Contribute and serve in contexts unrelated to your ego’s demands, like volunteer work. Witness how good it feels to simply give without expectation.
8. How to control your ego : Practice Gratitude
Start a daily gratitude practice listing things you’re thankful for. Thank helpers and mentors who have contributed to your successes.
9. How to control your ego : Forgive Easily
Let go of grudges and the need to punish those who contributed to your setbacks. Forgiveness is empowering whereas resentment feeds the ego.
10. How to control your ego : Take Yourself Less Seriously
Laugh at your own mistakes and flaws. Don’t take every joke or tease as an affront to your dignity. Develop the ability to gently self-mock.
With consistent practice, these strategies will help diminish the power your ego wields over your life. You’ll increasingly make decisions aligned with your highest values rather than ego gratification.
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Conclusion : How to control your ego
The unchecked ego can negatively impact our relationships, success, and well-being. But with self-awareness, humility, and the willingness for self-examination, it’s possible to keep the ego in check. Consider incorporating some of the practical tips and exercises covered in this guide into your daily life. Invest time getting to know your own ego triggers and defense mechanisms. The effort will allow you to increasingly act from a place of authenticity rather than ego-driven self-interest. Prioritizing self-mastery and service over feeding the ego’s desires is challenging but profoundly rewarding work. With consistent practice, you’ll experience growth in both your inner landscape and outer world.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: How do you know if your ego is too big?
A: Signs that your ego may be overinflated include: extreme defensiveness when criticized, excessive need for praise and status, arrogance and condescension toward others, inability to delegate or share credit, anger when contradicted or challenged, lack of interest in others’ perspectives.
Q: Is ego the same as self-esteem?
A: Ego relates to your sense of self-importance, while self-esteem refers to your sense of self-worth. Someone can have low self-esteem but still be egotistical if they overcompensate by acting superior. Healthy self-esteem doesn’t require ego inflation.
Q: What causes an unhealthy ego?
A: Insecurity, lack of self-acceptance, and seeking external rather than internal validation can cause ego inflation. Narcissistic injury or lack of empathy in childhood can also lead to ego problems. The ego may also become overdeveloped to protect against deep feelings of inadequacy.
Q: What types of therapy help control the ego?
A: Cognitive behavioral therapy, mindfulness practices, and insight-oriented psychotherapy can all help balance the ego. Meditation helps witness ego objectively. Talk therapy reveals roots of egotism like childhood shame or narcissistic parenting. Group therapy provides reality testing from peers.
Q: Are ego and self-confidence the same thing?
A: Not exactly. Self-confidence comes from inner security in your abilities developed through experience. Ego is confidence exaggerated beyond reality out of insecurity and fear. Quiet self-assuredness is healthy; constantly needing to prove yourself suggests fragile ego.
Q: How do you stop ego from destroying relationships?
A: Be vigilant for signs of defensiveness, contempt, and self-centered behavior that damage relationships. Own your mistakes and apologize for ego reactions. Empathize with others’ perspectives. Focus on understanding rather than being understood. Prioritize mutual fulfillment rather than “winning.”
Q: Is ego more common in certain professions?
A: Roles like leadership, entertainment, finance, law, and media attract larger egos given their power dynamics, public recognition, and status symbols. But any line of work or industry can inflame ego in those predisposed. Self-awareness is key in monitoring ego, regardless of your field.
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